Learning from experience

Background info: My mother is well above the average age of mothers of someone my age (did that make sense?) She has undergone five abdominal surgeries under general anesthesia (the thought of which sends shivers down my spine) - two C-sections and three hernias, very painful ones at that.

I have a lot to learn from her, from her calm, loving ways. Her even temperament in the face of volatility. *insert all other motherly virtues that you are in awe of - which, unfortunately, don't form the point of this post* One thing I have definitely learned from her already is to learn from experience and consider feedback from loved ones, which, if it is not obvious, she does NOT do.

I would dearly like to call my attempts at communicating with my mother challenging. But, if I wanted to be honest, I couldn't call it that. Maybe it was, ages ago. But not any more. It can only be called painful. Or anything else used to refer to a fruitless, excruciatingly long exercise. Though it sounds like we are probably not on the same wavelength because of age difference, that is not the case. Funnily enough, it has never been the case. When I was younger and people sometimes mistook her for my grandmother, I always thought that it was no big deal. She was fun (we are both the types who like doing our own thing in companionable silence) and we could connect. Until recently, when age, genetics and effects of anesthesia came together to pull us apart (OK, I am being melodramatic but I swear it is hard).

She has gotten TERRIBLY hard of hearing. This has been part of our lives for quite a while now but I realize exactly how bad it is, when we are away from each other and phone is the only means of communication between us. (She is not internet savvy and cannot email, chat, skype and such things.) Now, if your only exposure to people who are hard of hearing is through desi movies where the said person mistakes words for similar sounding and completely out of context words, you probably don't even realize how lucky you are. I know that seems to be scrapping the bottom of the luck barrel, but then you don't have to go through these -

* there are times when she just does not hear ANYTHING. I keep repeating myself, increasingly louder and slower. I can hear her tell people around that she cannot hear anything and the phone is really acting up, but the very fact that I can hear her say all that renders the phone excuse invalid.

* there are times when she hears part of what I say and she attempts to reply to that part alone, which is incomplete and sometimes contrary to the point in its entirety. For example, when I try to tell her something that was bothering me but is fixed now.

* there are times when she mis-hears what I say. What she hears are NOT rhyming words (desi movie directors, are you listening?) It is shocking to realize how different a story it could be that she hears from what I am actually saying.

* there are times she is telling me something but never hears my non-word responses (umm, uh-oh, aaah etc), resulting in her feeling that I am not interested in what she is saying and sending me on a guilt trip to Daughter Hell. Sometimes, she does not hear my verbal responses as well, which is, of course, a recipe for insanity.

* there are times when she is telling me something that I do not agree with (trivial and otherwise). And, there is NO way for me to tell her I do NOT AGREE...

* it is hard enough to talk about mundane things in this fashion (repeating many, many times; overlooking minor details that go unheard, literally) but it is just impossible to talk about meaningful things (relationships, feelings, career, etc). I have had real conversations with her only in person which boils down to about 21 days per year for the last two years.

Now, all I want from her is to try and get some kind of hearing aid. I know that might not work for everyone, etc, etc. But, all I want her to do is TRY. TALK to an expert, who can tell her if it is going to work for her or not. But, she refuses to do that, because, I *think* she does not even realize that it is indeed a problem for me. No one else faces this problem of having to communicate with her at any cost through the phone. And, this problem is way, way easier to tackle in person, especially when you are used to it, which we all are. So, everyone (read my father, brother, SIL) takes the easy way out for them (not force my mother to face reality and thus run the risk of being considered harsh/insensitive).

As a result, one of my favorite fantasies is having a conversation with my mother. On the phone. How many 26 year olds can beat that? Anyhow, tying things back to the title of this post, I have certainly learned one thing - when your loved one tells you something, listen. She/he probably has a point, however incredible it might seem. If having incorporated their input turns out to be a bad idea, it is still okay - most things are not irreversible and your loved one will appreciate your having tried, more than you can even begin to imagine.