No, I don't have a point.

I saw this on the back of the new Chelsea Handler novel hardcover edition, "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang": On living with her boyfriend - "He's like a big toddler, the difference being, he does not cry when he wakes up."

One of the really cool things in the US is how you can pick up a book and read it (obviously without paying for it) in book stores like Barnes and Noble or Borders. I don't know if you can do that in India. Can you? Ironically, I have not done that here as much as I would have liked to, in a previous avatar. You see, I cannot read a book when I do not feel, for lack of a better word, good. I used to gobble up books back when I was in school, the numbers dipped dramatically when I was in college (undergrad), and the average over the last few years has become embarrassingly low. I am not much of a movie or TV person (though I did get to watch The Big Bang Theory, some parts of Season 1 on DVD a couple of days ago and L.O.V.E it), I have been too *word-that-I-don't-want-to-use* to keep in touch with people and currently, I don't have the resources to do what I love: trips, long drives, hikes, treks and outdoors-y stuff in general. Is it just me or does everyone feel that when you really want to do something, some component to it is out of reach at all points of time? So, when people ask me what I do for fun/in my free time (har har), I am at a loss for words. I hate saying, oh you know, reading, because just about everyone reads and unless you are a voracious reader, it is really not worth mentioning. And, a lot of times, I don't even have a book that I am currently reading. When I took a moment to really think about what I do to kill time, this is what I ended up with:

* Reading blogs. Not varied in terms of genre. And, I re-read stuff a lot.

* Walking. Not the exercise kind of walking. I just amble along at my usual pace for hours.

* Fantasizing. No, really. Sometimes, I loathe the absolute waste of time but sometimes it is like I am living in a parallel universe, so there is really no waste of time, if you know what I mean.

And, this is where I drew a blank. That's it. Wow, if this is all I do, all I can say is wow. I wonder if this is not a chicken or egg problem, you don't do much, there are fewer things to do. True to its nature, I am sure I don't know how to break out of this vicious cycle (though I think I am motivated enough to pick up the afore mentioned novel this weekend).

Since this post so far is just refusing to logically lead to show how low I am feeling exactly, I have to start over with this self-derogatory statement: I have never felt fatter or more (or less?) unaccomplished, than I am feeling right now. Or, older for that matter. The last part is understandable, since today is the day I have no choice but to start to state that I am twenty seven years old, wherever necessary (which, come to think of it, is actually not a bad number, after all, I am not going to be some-number-cubed years old for a long time, if at all. Additionally, while I go three cubed this year, my nephew goes three squared. Yeah, there is a reason I like the Big Bang Theory).

I had thought of several posts that I wanted to write yesterday, I even have a couple of drafts, but none of that feels true. The only overarching feeling I have right now is that: I might not have all that I want (or even need), I might have taken more than my share of bad decisions, but I am sure that if I had not done what I have, I would have always wondered what life might have been like, if only.. Sure, I could feel that way even now but I don't. Does that mean something's right now, unlikely though that seems to me, when I am not in a reflective mood? I realize I start off quite a few posts (drafts if not published) full of despair but somehow as I type away, it feels like the world is not coming to an end, after all, though, of course, the problems don't go away. So, is a little perspective all that it took? Or am I distracted by the actual writing (thinking of words, sentences etc)? Or am I subconsciously chickening out at the thought of baring all?